Where have all the words gone

I haven’t written for a while as I just couldn’t find the words. I’m. It sure I can now but I’m getting there.

The loss of the babies has been very difficult- I forgot how hard a miscarriage can be. I also forgot that I would pass what there was of a foetus and it took me by surprise. I think o went into shock. I must have lost one on my first bleed and not noticed but the second I was in Costa coffee a few days after they’d confirmed there was no heartbeat and I passed what can only be described as a slug like thing. I panicked and I flushed it down the toilet. This is what o am struggling with the most . Essentially I flushed my baby down the toilet. I can’t move on from that. I wish I had taken it with me and buried it somewhere. I know it was hardly a thing but I also know that it’s heart had beat at some point. And I flushed it down the toilet.

Moving forward has been difficult. What I know is that o need to stay away from drink for a while. My friends ask em what next – more ivf? Adoption? Like that’s what I should do – replace the loss with another try – this annoys me. I don’t have a what next I am simply trying to deal with this loss. I don’t know if I could ever try again – it hurts too much still.

Fertility is heartbreaking and this journey has been tough and I have to keep my life in one piece as I have a beautiful daughter who is my entire world but at night when she’s in bed I feel the loss, the emptiness and also anger. I am not sure what or who I am angry at but I’m angry and I’m alone.

You can’t talk about to to people because you are expected to have moved on – it’s not like I had a still born ? Yes that’s actually been said to me! I will get over this just not today.

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And then there were none

Today it was confirmed – I lost both babies.

No more ivf , no more babies – just our lovely little family of three. 

No more tears, no more shouting, no more rages, no more feeling sorry for myself.

Going to go to my grandmothers grave tomorrow and leave some flowers on it and hope that my Nanny will look after them in the next life. 

Xxxx 

Could it get any worse?

Yes it could get worse.

So we are in a bit of limbo today. The consultant has looked at our scan and is concerned about where the second embryo is. 

My hcg has doubled despite the bleed and despite there being no sac. His concern is that yhe second embryo is in a tube – ectopic! And there was me thinking the worst was over. They’ve done more bloods and am having more tomorrow and from there they will make a decision as to what is next.  The worst case scenario will be to operate and I’d lose my Fallopian tube. I don’t know how they can’t just know whether it’s there or not. So another couple of days of worrying and crying ahead. 

I’m in shock I think. All tests show I’m pregnant but scan shows nothing other than the embryo we lost with the bleeding. 

Seems a bit unfair all this but I know people have it a lot worse. 

Game over 

I lost the baby today – I was driving to my mums and I was having bad cramps – I got out of the car and was bleeding profusely.

I’ve spent most of the day in hospital – I had a scan – the baby is gone. 

I’ve got no words. 

Blood work 

So the results of my two day apart tests were good – the hcg is doubling. They are going to scan early now so scan a week today. 

However if I’m still bleeding by Friday I’m going to go to the early pregnancy unit. I just don’t know why I’m still bleeding – today has been quite bad.

I just keep thinking positive thoughts – I’m still pregnant and I want it to stay that way! 

Holding my breath

So I started bleeding on Friday. Again my world collapsed – I think I actually had a panic attack when i realised it had started. Big clots – not pretty. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my mum or my husband at first – I didn’t want to scare them and as I had a bleed last time I thought it might slow down or pass but by Saturday morning it was only worse. 

I was up at my parents house so I called my friend who works at the clinic I go to- she made an appt for me to go in first thing Sunday for a test. So they’ve taken my bloods and the results were that the hcg is 465 – it’s within the pregnant zone for five weeks but it may have dropped . The range is from 200-7000 – as it’s the first blood test they don’t know what the “baseline” was . So I have to go back on Tuesday and have the test repeated – if it’s decreasing then it’s a loss but if it has increased then it may be a threatened miscarriage but there would still be a baby in there growing- it’s also a possibility that I’ve lost one of the embryos and not both – a scan wouldn’t show anything but an empty sac at this point anyway even if I were still pregnant so this is the only way they can find out. 

Today we tried to have a family day – a visit to build a bear for a reindeer then putting up the decs – it wasn’t easy as there’s so much pain but there is no point sitting around feeling sorry for myself . What will be will be – I now just have to wait. 

Risks and rewards 

So I’ve not blogged this cycle as I’ve found it very difficult. The hormones have been sending me loopy and my stomach is red raw with blisters and burns from the patches.
I took the decision to have both remaining embryos put back in. Mainly as my husband was adamant this was our last goa nd I knew if it didn’t work I would always wonder about the one in the freezer and the what ifs. I also knew even if it did work I couldn’t destroy the other embryo – that didn’t sit well with me.

So a week last Friday I had two out back in. 

I’ve been very emotional and irrational (more than normal) a friend who has an ivf baby same age as my baba found out she was pregnant naturally – there were lots of jealous tears that day she told me.

So on Thursday I did a test and it was negative – I knew it was too soon but that never stops me. On Friday I did another and it was positive so I did another and that was positive and then I repeated this eight times yesterday and four today. All positive – holy shit!!!! I can not believe it . Over the frigging moon.

There is a certain guilt that comes with a positive result – it makes you think of all the people who still haven’t had a positive result . I watched an interview with someone last week who has had 7 attempts at ivf and still no baby.  One failed transfer hurt like hell – I can’t imagine how that is for a family. 

So for now we have our result and we are counting our blessings – we can only hope it turns out fine – we won’t find out for another two weeks if there is one or two in there .