So treatment started this month on anew drug to make me ovulate – apparently they use it in the US a lot. But not here.
I’ve been started on the highest dose you can have – I had a scan this morning. It isn’t working – no follicles.
Oh bum! What next? Defeat? Resignation ? Another try next month? Who knows !
I haven’t written for a while as I just couldn’t find the words. I’m. It sure I can now but I’m getting there.
The loss of the babies has been very difficult- I forgot how hard a miscarriage can be. I also forgot that I would pass what there was of a foetus and it took me by surprise. I think o went into shock. I must have lost one on my first bleed and not noticed but the second I was in Costa coffee a few days after they’d confirmed there was no heartbeat and I passed what can only be described as a slug like thing. I panicked and I flushed it down the toilet. This is what o am struggling with the most . Essentially I flushed my baby down the toilet. I can’t move on from that. I wish I had taken it with me and buried it somewhere. I know it was hardly a thing but I also know that it’s heart had beat at some point. And I flushed it down the toilet.
Moving forward has been difficult. What I know is that o need to stay away from drink for a while. My friends ask em what next – more ivf? Adoption? Like that’s what I should do – replace the loss with another try – this annoys me. I don’t have a what next I am simply trying to deal with this loss. I don’t know if I could ever try again – it hurts too much still.
Fertility is heartbreaking and this journey has been tough and I have to keep my life in one piece as I have a beautiful daughter who is my entire world but at night when she’s in bed I feel the loss, the emptiness and also anger. I am not sure what or who I am angry at but I’m angry and I’m alone.
You can’t talk about to to people because you are expected to have moved on – it’s not like I had a still born ? Yes that’s actually been said to me! I will get over this just not today.
Today it was confirmed – I lost both babies.
No more ivf , no more babies – just our lovely little family of three.
No more tears, no more shouting, no more rages, no more feeling sorry for myself.
Going to go to my grandmothers grave tomorrow and leave some flowers on it and hope that my Nanny will look after them in the next life.
Xxxx
Yes it could get worse.
So we are in a bit of limbo today. The consultant has looked at our scan and is concerned about where the second embryo is.
My hcg has doubled despite the bleed and despite there being no sac. His concern is that yhe second embryo is in a tube – ectopic! And there was me thinking the worst was over. They’ve done more bloods and am having more tomorrow and from there they will make a decision as to what is next. The worst case scenario will be to operate and I’d lose my Fallopian tube. I don’t know how they can’t just know whether it’s there or not. So another couple of days of worrying and crying ahead.
I’m in shock I think. All tests show I’m pregnant but scan shows nothing other than the embryo we lost with the bleeding.
Seems a bit unfair all this but I know people have it a lot worse.
I lost the baby today – I was driving to my mums and I was having bad cramps – I got out of the car and was bleeding profusely.
I’ve spent most of the day in hospital – I had a scan – the baby is gone.
I’ve got no words.
So the results of my two day apart tests were good – the hcg is doubling. They are going to scan early now so scan a week today.
However if I’m still bleeding by Friday I’m going to go to the early pregnancy unit. I just don’t know why I’m still bleeding – today has been quite bad.
I just keep thinking positive thoughts – I’m still pregnant and I want it to stay that way!
So I started bleeding on Friday. Again my world collapsed – I think I actually had a panic attack when i realised it had started. Big clots – not pretty. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my mum or my husband at first – I didn’t want to scare them and as I had a bleed last time I thought it might slow down or pass but by Saturday morning it was only worse.
I was up at my parents house so I called my friend who works at the clinic I go to- she made an appt for me to go in first thing Sunday for a test. So they’ve taken my bloods and the results were that the hcg is 465 – it’s within the pregnant zone for five weeks but it may have dropped . The range is from 200-7000 – as it’s the first blood test they don’t know what the “baseline” was . So I have to go back on Tuesday and have the test repeated – if it’s decreasing then it’s a loss but if it has increased then it may be a threatened miscarriage but there would still be a baby in there growing- it’s also a possibility that I’ve lost one of the embryos and not both – a scan wouldn’t show anything but an empty sac at this point anyway even if I were still pregnant so this is the only way they can find out.
Today we tried to have a family day – a visit to build a bear for a reindeer then putting up the decs – it wasn’t easy as there’s so much pain but there is no point sitting around feeling sorry for myself . What will be will be – I now just have to wait.
So I’ve not blogged this cycle as I’ve found it very difficult. The hormones have been sending me loopy and my stomach is red raw with blisters and burns from the patches.
I took the decision to have both remaining embryos put back in. Mainly as my husband was adamant this was our last goa nd I knew if it didn’t work I would always wonder about the one in the freezer and the what ifs. I also knew even if it did work I couldn’t destroy the other embryo – that didn’t sit well with me.
So a week last Friday I had two out back in.
I’ve been very emotional and irrational (more than normal) a friend who has an ivf baby same age as my baba found out she was pregnant naturally – there were lots of jealous tears that day she told me.
So on Thursday I did a test and it was negative – I knew it was too soon but that never stops me. On Friday I did another and it was positive so I did another and that was positive and then I repeated this eight times yesterday and four today. All positive – holy shit!!!! I can not believe it . Over the frigging moon.
There is a certain guilt that comes with a positive result – it makes you think of all the people who still haven’t had a positive result . I watched an interview with someone last week who has had 7 attempts at ivf and still no baby. One failed transfer hurt like hell – I can’t imagine how that is for a family.
So for now we have our result and we are counting our blessings – we can only hope it turns out fine – we won’t find out for another two weeks if there is one or two in there .
During the weeks leading up to the transfer there isn’t a lot that you can do, other than be so hormonal you seem to rip your husbands head off everytime he looks at you funny.
So I’m trying to get my body baby ready. Ive but had a drink in about 3 months. I’ve not had caffeine for the same amount of time. And I’m tying to watch what I eat. The latter I am failing at … miserably.
Weight ( ether it be over or under) is the biggest factor of infertility. I am very overweight – never used to be but after 30 my body gave up! Or I did – one or the other.
I do well during the day as I pretty much eat what the baby does and I’ve been so good with her – she’s never had a biscuit or chocolate or cake or chips or anything salty or sugary. I cook all her food from scratch and for ease I eat the same ( bigger portions obviously!). It’s the 8pm snack that brings me back with a bump to Fat land. You see from first thing in the morning I am on the go – every day we have activities or errands to run – we do lots of walking and apart from my morning tea (decaf) with two sweetners (used to be sugars) I don’t have a minute to myself – nap times are taken up with preparing meals and washing etc. At 7pm she goes to bed and I jump in a warm (no longer hot as that’s no good for the lining) bath – it’s my sanctuary. After the bath I read for a bit and then head downstairs to a cup of tea and …… anything I can get my hands on- crisps, chocolate, ice cream anything sweet! It’s the first time in the day I put my feet up and what better way to reward myself than with food?
Now i don’t buy these things when I go shopping but we live next door to an off licence – and they sell giant bars of caramel for £1 . I have NO will power. This is not helping me to get my body baby ready.
This really is the last go for ivf for us – age and money are against us and I promised my husband if he let us do it one more time and it failed I’d give up and be happy with what I have. He doesn’t (and neither do I) want our little girls first years over taken with ivf . So it’s time to find something else to do at 8pm
A mix of emotions today – why are these ivf journeys never straight forward.
So this round is done- 8 negative pregnancy tests (yes I am obsessive) and now my period is here.
But don’t panic – even though we said this was the last throw of the dice for us something lovely happened today. My in laws have offered (again) to pay for one more frozen round. And as my period has arrived that means today is day 1 of the next round. We decided that we couldn’t turn down their offer and we may as well keep going as I’m full of the hormones anyway so would be silly to take a break.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Because we know how wonderful the gift of a child is. We know that we are a great family. We know that Bridie will benefit from a Sibling. We know we have so much we can offer a child.
It’s funny when people find out you can’t have kids as often their first question is “have you considered adoption?” I think that the two aren’t really linked – my infertility doesn’t mean that I would make a good adoptive mother – I know of a few adopted people who are part of families that have biological children and adopted children – I only know of one adopted person (maybe it should be person who is adopted) that’s parents could not conceive. I am reminded of the film with Nicole Kidman where she looks like shit about a young boy who is adopted by her and her husband from India – the moment in the film where he says to her that he is sorry she can’t have her own children and she responds with something along the lines of “what makes you think I couldn’t have children? I chose to adopt because it was my choice” it’s a heart breaking scene. But it sums up the fact that the desire to have a biological child and the desire to adopt are two very different things. Yes there are so many children who need to be given loving homes but it’s different (no better or worse). If I can’t conceive again through ivf I won’t consider adoption as it’s different and it isn’t my calling. I don’t think I’m strong enough to go through it. People who adopt are such amazing people but that’s is not me.
So here we go again people – IVF round 3! Just waiting for the doctor to call me today and tell me when I can pick up my new meds
