I haven’t written for a while as I just couldn’t find the words. I’m. It sure I can now but I’m getting there.
The loss of the babies has been very difficult- I forgot how hard a miscarriage can be. I also forgot that I would pass what there was of a foetus and it took me by surprise. I think o went into shock. I must have lost one on my first bleed and not noticed but the second I was in Costa coffee a few days after they’d confirmed there was no heartbeat and I passed what can only be described as a slug like thing. I panicked and I flushed it down the toilet. This is what o am struggling with the most . Essentially I flushed my baby down the toilet. I can’t move on from that. I wish I had taken it with me and buried it somewhere. I know it was hardly a thing but I also know that it’s heart had beat at some point. And I flushed it down the toilet.
Moving forward has been difficult. What I know is that o need to stay away from drink for a while. My friends ask em what next – more ivf? Adoption? Like that’s what I should do – replace the loss with another try – this annoys me. I don’t have a what next I am simply trying to deal with this loss. I don’t know if I could ever try again – it hurts too much still.
Fertility is heartbreaking and this journey has been tough and I have to keep my life in one piece as I have a beautiful daughter who is my entire world but at night when she’s in bed I feel the loss, the emptiness and also anger. I am not sure what or who I am angry at but I’m angry and I’m alone.
You can’t talk about to to people because you are expected to have moved on – it’s not like I had a still born ? Yes that’s actually been said to me! I will get over this just not today.